i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
