Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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