The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
