please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
