you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my liver is dry heaving
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
