If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
