I must be too annoying 4 u.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Randomize
