i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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