If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
