She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
