john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
