Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Congratulations! We have a period
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize