So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
