i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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