god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
