I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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