Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
