He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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