You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
