just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
