Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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