he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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