im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
