so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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