I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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