Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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