Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
