I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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