Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
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