At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
