i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
