I'm so fucking centered right now
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
