This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
