Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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