your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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