Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
