I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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