So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
