I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I have already put on my inside pants.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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