yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
