Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He has the fingertips of a God
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