nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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