her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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