I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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