I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
