turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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