if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
