I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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