i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
