Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
