He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
