I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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