explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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