dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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