At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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