girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just pee around me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize