Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pants are for mortals
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize